FEELIN' ITCHY

[To the tune of Makin' Whoopie] 

Another night / Another day 
A sweet temptation / Leads me astray 
Won't follow orders / He's drop dead gorgeous 
I'm feelin' itchy 

Another date / Another fling 
Another bimbo / On a string 
Around his finger / They never linger 
I'm feelin' itchy 

His picture is in the desk drawer 
I study it by the hour 
Friday I went home early 
And jumped in an ice cold shower 

Another tumble /Another bed 
Another daydream / Inside my head 
I'm snooping solo / He's playing polo 
I'm feelin' itchy 

He's William Powell / I'm Myrna Loy 
The case is solv-ed / But still no joy
Can't turn that corner / Or I'm a goner 
Still feelin' itchy 

-- Lauryn / August 2001


 

LAUR--A, LAUR--A! (SHE'S GOT TONY AND STEELE!)

[To the tune of "New York, New York" (From "On The Town")] 

Laur--a, Laur--a! 
Laur--a, Laur--a! 
Laur--a, Laur--a! 
She’s got Tony and Stee-------le! 

Laura, Laura! she's sandwiched between, 
Polpettone and some Irish beef, lean 
She’d eat both pieces but it’s just not her scene 
Laur--a, Laur--a! 
She’s got Tony and Stee-------le! 

He paid a hooker to save his alabaster, flawless, spot-free skin 
She stopped the marriage because he didn’t ask her, it was a mortal sin 
But at last they were wed 
And both wanted that shag in the bed. Would the phone ring? 

Laura, Laura! she's sandwiched between, 
Polpettone and some Irish beef, lean 
She’d eat both pieces but it’s just not her scene 
Laur--a, Laur--a! 
She’s got Tony and Stee-------le! 

He swung from a vine in the jungle to save her (aping Michael D) 
A finer mullet you wouldn’t find in Dixie (especially Tennessee) 
He chased after Steele but he had sex appeal, would she fall 
For vanity? 

Laura, Laura! she's sandwiched between, 
Polpettone and some Irish beef, lean 
She’d eat both pieces but it’s just not her scene 
Laur--a, Laur--a! 
She’s got Tony and Stee-------le! 

Confusion reigned and it wasn’t always pretty, to see the anti-Steele 
He had no friends but he had a decent body, and Tony would reveal 
A huge bicep or two, maybe flash a tattoo for the dame 
To have a feel 

Laura, Laura! she's sandwiched between, 
Polpettone and some Irish beef, lean 
She’d eat both pieces but it’s just not her scene 

Laur--a, Laur--a! 
Laur--a, Laur--a! 
Laur--a, Laur--a! 
She’s got Tony and Stee-------le! 

--Paris Match / August 27, 2001


 

I'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO HIS FACE

[Steele reflects on life with Murphy, to the tune of the same name from “My Fair Lady.”] 

I've grown accustomed to his face 
It's twice as common as a cold 
I've grown accustomed to the way 
He greets me every day 

His frowns, his stares, his threats, his glares 
Are second nature to me now 
As I arrive promptly at noon 
I read the headlines I've been making 
While he quickly scans the Sports 

Laura pokes her head in 
For those autopsy reports 
I've grown accustomed to the lad 
In different shades of plaid 
Accustomed to his face 

I've grown accustomed to his face 
Though we are working as a team 
Removing Creighton Phillips 
From the scene is only just 
A temporary truce 
From o-ur mutual distrust 

I've grown accustomed to the fact 
He'd like my suitcase packed 
Accustomed to his face. 

-- Lauryn / August 26, 2001



 
SINGING IN THE RAIN

[All to "Singing In The Rain"] 

Bernice’s Song 

I’m spitting in his tea, just spitting in his tea 
And if the mood takes me 
I’ll throw it at him, 
A rat and a fink 
He belongs in the clink 
So I’m spitting, just spitting in his tea. 

Murphy’s Song 

I’m dreaming of tape, just dreaming of tape 
I’ll go down the store and 
Get some for his mouth 
I’ll wind him up tight 
Shoot him? I just might 
But I’m dreaming, just dreaming of tape 

Laura’s Song 

He’s driving me nuts, just driving me nuts 
He teases my senses 
And makes my skin hot 
Mmmm. Hairy chest 
Pressed to my breast, 
He’s driving, just driving me nuts! 

Steele’s Song 

I’m so bloody good, just so bloody good 
I look in the mirror 
And I’m glad that I’m me 
These strong manly lines 
This face? So divine 
So bloody, just so bloody good! 
 

-- Paris Match/ August 26, 2001


 

ABIGAIL’S LAMENT 

[To the tune of "I'm Tired" from "Blazing Saddles."] 

I'm tired! 
Tired of having these rows. 
When will I hear wedding vows? 
I'm so-o-o ti-i-i-red! 

I'm tired! 
Tired of cleaning her sink. 
Finding out she's in the clink! 
I'm so-o-o ti-i-i-red! 

She's dated dozens of men. 
Well, at least nine or ten, 
she's so hard to please! 

Just when I 
think that she's landed a big one 
I find out it's catch and release! Oy! 

I'm tired! 
Why can't she marry her boss? 
Or teach some patients to floss? 
I'm so-o-o ti-i-ired! 

I'm tired! 
Tired of knowing I've failed her. 
I think I need my inhaler. 
I'm so-o-o tired! 

She's a licensed PI 
though I'll never know why, 
she was very insistent. 
What's wrong with com-mun-ity college 
and being a dental assistant? 

I'm tired! 
She wants me out of her hair. 
I have to pay cab fare! 
I'm so-o-o ti-i-ired! 

I'm tired! 
Of looking through personals ads 
for mawwiage-able med school grads. 
I'm so-o-o ti-i-i-red! 

Does she think good looking guys 
with accents to die for 
fall in her path? 

I know that 
she could be Mrs. Steele 
if she'd use sex appeal. 
You do the math! 

I'm tired! 
Tired of scrubbing her grout. 
Can there be any doubt? 
I'm so-o-o ti-i-ired!! 

I'm tired! 
I need a little romance. 
Give me the South of France! 
I'm so ti-i-ired!!

-- Lauryn / August 31, 2002


 

STEELE IN THE FAMILY

[To the TV theme of “All In The Family”] 

RS: Boy, the plaid shirts Murphy wore. 
LS: And Felicia? What a wh*re. 
RS: Creighton Phillips was a boor! 
RS & LS: Those were the days. 

LS: Cell phones bigger than my bust 
RS: Red suspenders were a must 
LS: Disco music bit the dust 
RS & LS: Those were the days. 

RS & LS: And you knew J.R Ewing’s yen, Taco Bell? De rigeur then. 
LS: Mister, we could use a man like Tony Danza again. 
RS: You and your Italians. Will the torment never end? 
LS: Tony R? We were just friends. 
RS & LS: Those were the days. 

RS: Custom made suits every week 
LS: And my shirt-dress? Tres, tres chic. 
RS: Ah, nouvelle cuisine. Take out a loan for that weekly treat, 
LS: Friendly, neighbourhood psychos. Descoine, Randi. Evil foes. 
RS & LS: Twenty years of highs and lows. Those Were The Days.

-- Paris Match/ September 4, 2002



 
STEELE 

[To the theme from Shaft]

Who's the black-Irish dick
that usetah steal stuff with lotsa chicks?
STEELE!

Ya damn right!
Who’s the former crook
that would risk his neck for his brother crook?
STEELE!

Can you dig it?
Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's a free lunch all about? 
STEELE! 

Right On! 
They say this cat Steele is a well-tailored muthah
SHUT YOUR MOUTH! 
I'm talkin' 'bout Steele. 
THEN WE CAN DIG IT! 

He's a complicated man 
And no one understands him but his secretary
And maybe his driver
And reporters who can make him look good in print 
And former partners in crime
And, very occasionally, his associate
R. STEELE! 

-- Susannah/ January 16, 2004


 

WHEN I MARRY MISTER STEELE 

[to the tune of "When I Marry Mister Snow" from "Carousel."] 

When I marry Mr. Steele 
Everyone will marvel that our troth was plighted. 
Mother will be mum 'cause she was not invited. 
When I marry Mr. Steele. 
To the office we will go 
Clients all and sundry making book on whether 
we'd decided from the first to sleep together. 
When I marry Mr. Steele 

He'll carry me 'cross the threshold 
I'll fight him each step of the way 
We'll end up on the floor 
I can't show you any more 
What would Standards and Practices say? 

When I marry Mr. Steele 
There will be no shortage of housewarming gifts 
Handmade sets of lockpicks labeled hers and his (Must be from your side.) 
When I marry Mr. Steele 
We'll be honeymooning in the Fijian Isles 
Or someplace where it's clothing optional for miles 
Where the palms sway in the breeze. 
When I marry Mr. Steele 
Bernice will say "congrats" and that she's really wowed. 
The question of the day -- "is the groom well-endowed?" 
I'll insinuate -- and how! (give her the big picture) 

When I marry Mr. Steele 
Mildred will declare that it was time we clicked 
Murphy will ring up to say he's worried sick 
That I'm stuck with Mr. Steele 
That underhanded, incognito-ed 
Budget-busting, big libido-ed 
Con man Mr. Steele!

-- Lauryn / March 13, 2004


 

I CAN'T GET LAID

[To the tune of "I Cain't Say No" from "Oklahoma." ]

It's not so much a question of not knowing what to do. 
I've left women devastated by my charms. 
You've read the gossip columns 
I assure you, they are true. 
Females end up horizontal in my arms. 
But every rule has an exception, I'll admit. 
My sex life is now turning into shit. 

I'm just a guy who can't get laid. 
I'm in a terrible fix. 
Just when I think I've got it made 
Laura will always say nix. 

Business before pleasure is her quirk. 
A moonlit beach in Maui makes her brood. 
She'd stay buried in her paperwork 
if I strolled past her cabana in the nude. 

I'm just a guy who can't get laid 
What can I do to entice? 
Psychiatrists who want to aid 
line up to give me advice 

After office hours I nurse the hope 
that we might just get sometime to ourselves. 
How was I to know she'd answer "nope" 
to rush home to the loft to line her shelves? 

I'm just a guy who can't get laid 
These are the cards I've been dealt. 
I want the woman to melt, 
unlock her chastity belt 
I can't get laid! 

-- Lauryn / December 4, 2005

[ Steele A State Of Mind ]